Apology

I used to have a list of reasons why I didn't want kids. In college, I believe the list got up two hundred and something reasons. People often told me it probably was a phase - in classes, on dates, and in casual conversations. I disagreed.

A huge turning point in my thinking happened when I was a family advocate. I wanted to work thre because of the life skills training I was so interested in learning. But the true reason that folks sometimes seek life skills training? They want to or have been forced to grow as parents. So while working on budgets and the such, I also worked with the kids - I went to birthday parties, the park and did crafts often with these creatures that still for the most part eluded the crap out of me. I decided that if I ever felt settled enough to have kids, it surely wouldn't be the worst thing. This also was the first time that I encountered the foster care system in ways that made me want to be a part of it. Over the last 5 years, I have been able to grow in my kid love, thanks to many of the children and teenagers that have shown love to me.

Its been a week since we were approved to be a foster care home. Small step- the physical structure was approved- not our mental capacity, yet! And while we have been working for awhile on preparing for this, orientation and moving into a bigger apartment - this seems to be the start of the pregnancy. Last month, during a crazy time of believing that our house would not be suitable, seemed to be the time of praying that the stick would just turn pink, already.

The stick turned pink, now its real. I have no idea what I got myself into. For the last week I have been seeing kids and thinking - oh dear, why would anyone trust me with that little person?

We still get to be pregnant for awhile, classes, home studies, and physicals - it is a busy time of preparation. I wait in expectation - scared out of my mind, and yet joyful.

So anyone who told me not liking kids was just a phase, I admit it, for me it looks like it was.